Why modern dating gives me a headache;

My expectations of dating and relationships stemmed from the hundreds of romantic comedies and teen dramas I immersed myself in during my early adulthood. More often than not, they followed the usual guidelines: Guy meets girl, sparks fly, someone makes a grand romantic gesture, they both profess their mutual love for each other and they live happily ever after.

I think this is where my problems began…

Just like me, I’m sure many others naively went into the real world believing that our romantic lives would play out in the same way our favourite rom-coms did, only to be slapped in the face with reality:
ding dong, you are wrong.

As it turns out, it was actually ridiculously complicated.

I learnt that in the real world, you don’t actually get asked out on dates, instead you’ll get asked to ‘hang out’ with someone so many times that you’ll be left wondering where the hell you stand and what it all means, but be too scared to find out the actual answer. Or even worse, you’ll get inboxes on social media from boys you’ve had little to no prior interaction with, sleazy pick-up lines and invitations to ‘Netflix and chill’ rather than to take you out and actually bother to get to know you.

In fact, thanks to dating apps such as Tinder, you can now remove the whole need for face-to-face interaction if you want to. At first, the thought of meeting people without leaving the house seems like an introvert’s dream (meeting people without having to change out of my pyjamas? Sign me up!). But while dating apps fix one problem, they create many others.

When you match with someone on a dating app, there’s the initial obstacle of keeping the conversation flowing long enough to decide if this person is worth meeting in real life. That’s where 70% of the conversations end. If you’re lucky enough to make it to round two, the next task involves determining the following three things in a prospective partner:

1. Whether your personalities are compatible
2. Whether they actually look like their Tinder picture in real life
3. If they’re looking for the same kind of thing that you are

The odds of ticking all three boxes are incredibly high, and it explains why so many singles complain about the pains of dating in the modern world. It’s because it sucks.

Dating has been turned into a process of mindlessly swiping left and right on people we spend approximately 5 minutes judging based on their looks and whether their Tinder bio was impressive enough to make us laugh.

Although most people will admit that there has to be an element of physical attraction when looking for a potential partner, there’s probably lots of great people you’ll miss out on meeting just because they can’t seem to master the art of taking a good selfie.

Everything that once used to be so simple, suddenly isn’t anymore. We overanalyse every single text message and plan out every reply in a way that makes everything seem super casual. Because that’s all it is right? People would rather be in an awkward stage between dating and messing around, than face rejection, or in some cases, commitment.

You can’t just tell people how you feel anymore either. In fact, that’s probably the last thing you should do incase you end up scaring off your potential partner. It’s almost as if it’s wrong to express any feelings at all. When your friends ask you what’s going on with *insert name of person you’re currently seeing* why is it becoming more and more acceptable to say ‘I don’t know’ rather than just asking them?

Instead of communicating with each other, we’re taught that if we’re upset or angry, the answer is to post a passive aggressive Facebook status or Instagram post and pray that the person it’s directed at will be able to read your mind.

Dating someone shouldn’t be a game you have to play, but that’s what it has become. Whoever made the rules that we had to wait an appropriate amount of time between texts, or that you can’t see someone every day because that makes you look needy is a moron. We’ve turned dating culture into a manipulative and time consuming game that honestly gets very exhausting, very quickly.

Luckily for me, I managed to claw my way out of the modern dating cesspool I’d fallen into and found someone that I’ve been happily dating for just under a year now. No, I didn’t meet him on Tinder, in fact we met at the last place I would’ve thought to look; at work.

When you think about it; the odds of my significant other and I being at the same workplace, at the same time, having very similar personalities, living in the same city and both looking for the exact same thing were incredibly high, but it still worked out better than the four years I’d spent forcing myself to pretend I liked going out clubbing or signing myself up for dating apps like Tinder in the desperate hope of meeting someone.

Don’t get me wrong; I’ve heard of plenty of success stories from Tinder and the like, and kudos to those people for managing to wade through all the filth of online dating and find each other, but if I had to do it all over again, I’d give it Tinder a hard pass.

If there’s any sort of lesson to take out of this rant of mine, it’s this: Life’s too short to not tell people how you feel about them. The right person won’t have a problem telling you they think you’re the bee’s knees. Relationships are extremely rewarding with the right person, and you might miss out on something amazing if you waste your time treating the whole thing like it’s a contest to be won.

-K

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50 thoughts on “Why modern dating gives me a headache;

  1. Dating is such a pain now! I have chosen to focus on my life, and to raise my dog. This has saved me so much pain! I am not sure if online dating has made the situation worse or not, but it is definitely something I stay clear of.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been married to my hubby for more than 20 years, so, needless to say, I’m a little out of touch with dating practices. Your post was so helpful to educate me in this regard – I can see why dating gives you a headache! I so agree that telling people how you feel about them is essential. If we can’t be honest with the ones we care about the most then what are we doing really? Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dating is so hard! I met my husband on eHarmony and I’m so glad I put in the effort to figure out what I was really looking for and held out until I found someone that makes my life a whole lot better. Congrats on finding someone special!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Doesn’t sound very encouraging for those on the dating scene. I have heard of some really interesting options like speed dating, and game night for singles only. I think if I were single I would go that route and forego the internet or apps.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I have been married for 14 years, and thankfully met my husband when we were both working in the mall. I couldn’t imagine trying to date these days. I see the struggles that my 18 year old daughter has with dating, and I don’t think I could do it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I truly wish that TV and books were more realistic about how dating works. It gives you false ideas and expectations. You make me glad I’m not dating though.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I love the message. We have to stop overthinking everything and just learn to accept things for what they are. That way, we don’t over complicate relationships. I love that last part, it’s so much better to tell the person what we really feel than to drag it on for months or lose them.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Modern dating has definitely changed the game. It’s not as simple as it used to be. These days there are more people who are playing you than those who would like to take you seriously. It’s important though that you tell people what you really feel. It’s one way to uncomplicate things.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I wouldn’t make it in today’s dating world. I am a eye to eye person, touchy feeling, in your face laughing sort of gal. Probably too much for any guy to handle today. Good thing I met my husband when I did!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I hated dating and I was horrible at it. The funny thing is that I worked for years in sales for a dating service while I was more or less single. It was crazy talking about love all day while not being in love. If something were to happen between me and my husband, I think I would just stay single rather than get out there again.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Modern dating is complicated, especially when you involve technology. It’s too easy to judge people by their picture and nothing else. Swiping left or right seems like a hard way to find the right person. We need more honesty and more effort.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Glad that you met someone, and hopefully, that is the person you are meant to be with! It’s hard with modern dating, but I think the issue is not the apps, nor the method, I think that too many people really don’t know themselves that well yet nor know what they want. I say this to say that these apps perpetuate the “I want it now” mentality, without allowing individuals to really stop and learn about themselves nor their partners. I met my husband online so it’s not all horrible. But it comes down to individuals vs. technology.

    Thrifitng Diva
    http://www.thriftingdiva.com

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I am so glad I haven’t had to date in over 12 years. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m not someone who would be able to do it via an app, I like the good ol’ face to face. Hopefully, you figure it all out!

    Liked by 1 person

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